All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
No subtext here. People are naked.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
