Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
