I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
