Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
