My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
