Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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