i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
