I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
