I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
