dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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