Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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