Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
