glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize