Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
