so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
