He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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