if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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