I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize