I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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