haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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