Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
