I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
