turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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