I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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