I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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