What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
