A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
