so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
