i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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