I wish I only lived at night.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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