so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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