I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
