he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
