Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
