So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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