I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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