i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
