I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
