he looks like a really good dad on facebook
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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