I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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