It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
