My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
