I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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