the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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