Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
