My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
