"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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