my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
