Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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