When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Randomize