before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
