you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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