Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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