glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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