Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Also, beer. Big fan.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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