I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
