Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize