He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
