i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She told me I should be a condom model.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
