I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
