he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
